One.

If ever your eyes come in contact with my blogs, I want to make sure you understand where I'm coming from; you've always had a problem with seeing through my eyes.

First thing's first. I miss you. I do. Pretty well every single day, you're the first thought that hits my head when I wake up. That hasn't changed since we started dating.
But you need to understand that there comes a time where that just isn't enough anymore. I'm still in the process of watching my best friend sidelining the life of his wife while she attempts to figure out her scrambled thoughts. I mean, there's still a 60% shot of them still getting back together, and I'll do what I can, as his closest friend, to make that happen, because I can't hope for anything better for them.
But there's a difference between them, and us: they're married. I have no obligations to you.
It's funny, because him and I were just talking about his situation today and how much it related to mine. We talked about the things that his wife would have to do in order for things to work out again. And again, I want to say its funny (when it probably isn't, really) because its all the same thigns that you would have to do in order for us to have the slightest chance in being together again.
You see, he never asked her to stop being around guys - even after she cheated on him with one. He just told her to stay away from that ONE. I mean, it's obviously different now because she's been with a few more, so he's got his insecurities to deal with now. But from the very beginning, all she had to do was to stay away from the one.

Remember your list of needs?
Yeah, I just wanted ONE thing from you. the ONE thing that's been the key to everything. The ONE thing that this has always been about.

Now, let's look back on the past year. Let's look back at what YOU have done to meet my ONE need. You can pick where to start from, really. It doesn't make much of a difference. You can either start from a year ago, when we last saw eachother (also when you left for that camp that you told me you weren't going back to / told me it wasn't going to be the same as the year before). You can start at your school year where you constantly had to keep hiding truths from me. You can start at the time when totally just threw my whole life at you and told you that you can have it, and then never called me back. OR (this one's my favourite), you can start at the last vacation you took not too long ago!!!

Wow. People are unbelievable, eh?
lol How does someone that claims they love you, knowingly hurt you so many times? Consistently. It's insane, the world we live in. Especially when that person has the nerve to ask you why you're ignoring them, and begging to answer their calls. Kinda dumb, huh?
I mean, who am I really calling dumb though? The person that has apparently devoted their life to breaking a world record for how many times you can break one heart, or the person who let them?

Add. Then substract.

Do you remember that time you came over to my place in London; we had just gotten home from a walk or a drive? (I could pretend that I remember the specifics, but I won't) I told you that I wanted to go to the backyard because the stars were so beautiful that night, the sky was so clear (for the city, that is). You were hesitant, for some reason, but you reluctantly agreed to spend some time with me laying there, on the grass, no sheets. Just your back on the ground and your head on my chest.
I remember thinking to myself; "Wow, this is everything I need right now. Relaxing and gazing at God's perfect creation with the girl I love."
That thought lasted about.. 2 minutes. You got up and you said "K, let's go!"
I wanted to stay. So bad. But you kept insisting that we leave. I still remember you always telling me to pick my battles, so that's exactly what I did. You wanted to go, I wanted to stay - so I thought "Yeah, this one isn't so worth it." Even though, deep in my heart, it was.

It took me a long time to figure out. In fact, I didn't understand why you wanted to leave so bad until you told me a little less than a year after we had broken up.
Do you remember what you told me? I don't want to search the e-mails for the exact answer because I would rather not have my insides twisted. But I remember you telling me something along the lines of "It was too perfect of a moment, I didn't deserve it. It was too good to be true."

My friend told me that's a girl's way of saying that she's not ready for that serious of a commitment.
I thought about that for a bit, and I came to this conclusion:

That single moment that lasted 2-5 minutes, sums up our entire relationship.

October 12th, 2008.

"You said I should give you a list of things I need . so here goes
1) I need to be told i'm gonna turn out ok, cause I worry all the time I wont.
2) even when its hard and im acting nuts, I need you to TRY to understand me, so I don't feel alone
3) when at all possible, I need you to chase after me when I run
4) I need you to understand when I can't tell you exactly whats going to happen, cause I just really don't know
5) I need you to hold my hand if I get a needle.
6)I need you to kiss my forhead and calm me down and play with my hair and like my family."


Remember that?

.
...
.....
.......

WHEN DID I EVER STRAY FROM YOUR NEEDS?!?!?!

Self..... less?

Your fb status is pretty interesting. It's about being stuck in the crossroads of the choices you have in hand. You seem to be speculating what road to choose, like you don't already know. I find it amusing though; only because I already know which one you will end up on. I actually am not even sure what the exact choices are, but I do know the answer.

If I'm correct - which I am, you're going to choose whatever choice benefits you the most. Wait, that's wrong. You're going to choose whatever it is that you WANT the most. Yeah, that's about right. Except I left out an important detail; you're going to say that it's exactly where God wants you!
Overkill? I wouldn't say so. You've proven my statement right a countless amount of times throughout our time together - and not so together. See, you've always been great at three things; lying, making excuses, and pretending that you can hear God's voice.
I know, it's a little bold. But then again, we both know what you've told me in the past. That's just between you and me though, right? Nobody else needs to know, as long as you can keep your image as immaculate as you can display to the world. Almost like your mother. I guess your fear of turning into her is reaching its inevitable destiny sooner than you would have hoped, huh?

Just like her, you'll never know how to truly love others until you decide to make your life less about yourself, and more about the ones you claim to "love". It's the choices you make that fabricate who you are, and who you are isn't on the road to happiness.
Although, whenever it is that you DO decide to exit the boulevard of self-indulgence, you still won't find me down the road. I'll be long gone with you missing my dust.

If only I could sleep.

I should be sleeping, considering I work in 5 hours. I mean, I would. If it weren't for this pain you've left me with. It's like a bell ringing on a constant, reminding me of my own ignorance, stupidity and lack of awareness.

Heartbreaks and letdowns were the tools of your craft. It's almost as if you were leading this master plan I made humor of many times. If only I would have seen this all coming; maybe - just maybe - I would almost have the ability to feel my sanity somewhere in this mess I've been dealt.

Here I was, thinking I was almost within reach of that feeling, that feeling of victory. Yet, you somehow manage to steal it away as if it were yours to give in the first place. Then again, thinking back, it really was yours to give. I left it all in your hands, and you found a way to turn it into another weapon to rip my heart like an autumn leaf.

Although, it's a new pain. One that leaves me with no capacity to shed a tear. I am so deranged, i've become immune. I often wonder if that was your goal all along. In fact, I was hoping so. If it weren't, that would conclude my theory of you being malicious in nature.
Wait.. Is man born evil? Or was I misinformed somewhere along the way? I've been left confused. Confused, but mostly frightened. Frightened to take down this guard I never intended to spawn.


[To my wife-to-be: I never meant to give her this much of myself. Myself, who is to be preserved for you alone, through Him. I thought she was you, I'm sorry.
Sorry: a five letter word that does not counterbalance my five million wrongs. If I could replace my actions with a full consideration of you, I would take it all back. But I can't. So I leave you with a inadequate excuse of a word and apology; sorry.]