One.

If ever your eyes come in contact with my blogs, I want to make sure you understand where I'm coming from; you've always had a problem with seeing through my eyes.

First thing's first. I miss you. I do. Pretty well every single day, you're the first thought that hits my head when I wake up. That hasn't changed since we started dating.
But you need to understand that there comes a time where that just isn't enough anymore. I'm still in the process of watching my best friend sidelining the life of his wife while she attempts to figure out her scrambled thoughts. I mean, there's still a 60% shot of them still getting back together, and I'll do what I can, as his closest friend, to make that happen, because I can't hope for anything better for them.
But there's a difference between them, and us: they're married. I have no obligations to you.
It's funny, because him and I were just talking about his situation today and how much it related to mine. We talked about the things that his wife would have to do in order for things to work out again. And again, I want to say its funny (when it probably isn't, really) because its all the same thigns that you would have to do in order for us to have the slightest chance in being together again.
You see, he never asked her to stop being around guys - even after she cheated on him with one. He just told her to stay away from that ONE. I mean, it's obviously different now because she's been with a few more, so he's got his insecurities to deal with now. But from the very beginning, all she had to do was to stay away from the one.

Remember your list of needs?
Yeah, I just wanted ONE thing from you. the ONE thing that's been the key to everything. The ONE thing that this has always been about.

Now, let's look back on the past year. Let's look back at what YOU have done to meet my ONE need. You can pick where to start from, really. It doesn't make much of a difference. You can either start from a year ago, when we last saw eachother (also when you left for that camp that you told me you weren't going back to / told me it wasn't going to be the same as the year before). You can start at your school year where you constantly had to keep hiding truths from me. You can start at the time when totally just threw my whole life at you and told you that you can have it, and then never called me back. OR (this one's my favourite), you can start at the last vacation you took not too long ago!!!

Wow. People are unbelievable, eh?
lol How does someone that claims they love you, knowingly hurt you so many times? Consistently. It's insane, the world we live in. Especially when that person has the nerve to ask you why you're ignoring them, and begging to answer their calls. Kinda dumb, huh?
I mean, who am I really calling dumb though? The person that has apparently devoted their life to breaking a world record for how many times you can break one heart, or the person who let them?

Add. Then substract.

Do you remember that time you came over to my place in London; we had just gotten home from a walk or a drive? (I could pretend that I remember the specifics, but I won't) I told you that I wanted to go to the backyard because the stars were so beautiful that night, the sky was so clear (for the city, that is). You were hesitant, for some reason, but you reluctantly agreed to spend some time with me laying there, on the grass, no sheets. Just your back on the ground and your head on my chest.
I remember thinking to myself; "Wow, this is everything I need right now. Relaxing and gazing at God's perfect creation with the girl I love."
That thought lasted about.. 2 minutes. You got up and you said "K, let's go!"
I wanted to stay. So bad. But you kept insisting that we leave. I still remember you always telling me to pick my battles, so that's exactly what I did. You wanted to go, I wanted to stay - so I thought "Yeah, this one isn't so worth it." Even though, deep in my heart, it was.

It took me a long time to figure out. In fact, I didn't understand why you wanted to leave so bad until you told me a little less than a year after we had broken up.
Do you remember what you told me? I don't want to search the e-mails for the exact answer because I would rather not have my insides twisted. But I remember you telling me something along the lines of "It was too perfect of a moment, I didn't deserve it. It was too good to be true."

My friend told me that's a girl's way of saying that she's not ready for that serious of a commitment.
I thought about that for a bit, and I came to this conclusion:

That single moment that lasted 2-5 minutes, sums up our entire relationship.

October 12th, 2008.

"You said I should give you a list of things I need . so here goes
1) I need to be told i'm gonna turn out ok, cause I worry all the time I wont.
2) even when its hard and im acting nuts, I need you to TRY to understand me, so I don't feel alone
3) when at all possible, I need you to chase after me when I run
4) I need you to understand when I can't tell you exactly whats going to happen, cause I just really don't know
5) I need you to hold my hand if I get a needle.
6)I need you to kiss my forhead and calm me down and play with my hair and like my family."


Remember that?

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WHEN DID I EVER STRAY FROM YOUR NEEDS?!?!?!