If only I could sleep.

I should be sleeping, considering I work in 5 hours. I mean, I would. If it weren't for this pain you've left me with. It's like a bell ringing on a constant, reminding me of my own ignorance, stupidity and lack of awareness.

Heartbreaks and letdowns were the tools of your craft. It's almost as if you were leading this master plan I made humor of many times. If only I would have seen this all coming; maybe - just maybe - I would almost have the ability to feel my sanity somewhere in this mess I've been dealt.

Here I was, thinking I was almost within reach of that feeling, that feeling of victory. Yet, you somehow manage to steal it away as if it were yours to give in the first place. Then again, thinking back, it really was yours to give. I left it all in your hands, and you found a way to turn it into another weapon to rip my heart like an autumn leaf.

Although, it's a new pain. One that leaves me with no capacity to shed a tear. I am so deranged, i've become immune. I often wonder if that was your goal all along. In fact, I was hoping so. If it weren't, that would conclude my theory of you being malicious in nature.
Wait.. Is man born evil? Or was I misinformed somewhere along the way? I've been left confused. Confused, but mostly frightened. Frightened to take down this guard I never intended to spawn.


[To my wife-to-be: I never meant to give her this much of myself. Myself, who is to be preserved for you alone, through Him. I thought she was you, I'm sorry.
Sorry: a five letter word that does not counterbalance my five million wrongs. If I could replace my actions with a full consideration of you, I would take it all back. But I can't. So I leave you with a inadequate excuse of a word and apology; sorry.]